Forever is a very long time... and a lot could happen in 'forever'.
When I was younger, I used to boast about being a 'good' one woman man. I could have sworn I would stay that way forever. As I grew older, I found myself in situations where Jesus would have looked away in shame as I made a mockery of love and its aesthetics.
I had also vowed that cheating was a deal breaker for me. I truly believed that a cheating woman was beyond redemption and I would not tolerate it. I had even broken relationships with a number of women simply because they had looked at another guy the wrong way. Yup! I was that petty.
An unfortunate incident however, had me questioning my truth and despite the immensity of emotional pain I had to endure, it helped put a lot of things into perspective.
I am older now, and I believe we are all merely "a bunch of lost souls" trying to find our paths in life. So even though we will be on course most of the time, we are also bound to lose our way at some point. It is therefore inevitable that hearts will be broken, but that should not be the end.
As you already know, my focus is on dating advice for women. So in this article, I will cover cheating and how, as a woman, you can win your lover's heart back. Most of this will be based on personal philosphy, derived either through observation or my own experiences, and I hope it will help you guys work things out.
Oh... and before we start, I am no expert on love or romance... rather think of me as a brother or a friend. Your confidant.
Here goes
So he went through your phone and saw some stuff that you forgot to delete? Did that that fake friend who can't mind their business snitch on you? Wait... did he walk in on you guys doing the nasty? 😱 Well, that sucks, right? You're stuck and you don't know what to do now, but you're sure that's not how you want it to end. You love him deeply and you want to work things out.
Here are a few things that you need to know about what and why he is hurting or angry
What you need to understand
1. You were his Queen
As his woman, his whole kingdom is built around you. You are his pride. His perfect treasure. So for another man to get access to you is not only disrespectful but it is somewhat a slap in the face, and a 'violation' of his domain. By cheating, you've declined the role he gave you as Queen and chosen to pledge your allegiance to another kingdom. Are you a queen there too, or you chose to be a mistress or maidservant? Anyway, you don't belong here anymore. Well, that's how he sees it.
2. You made a fool of him
The second thing to understand, is that there are obviously people who know what you've been up to. He feels foolish because some other people knew, and he was probably clueless about what his woman was doing behind his back. He feels foolish because he actually believed your lies and expected better from you.
3. You betrayed him
He thought you guys were in this together. Remember what you guys called yourselves? Perfect couple! YourName💘HisName forever! Matching His Queen and Her King Tshirts. Was all that in vain? You had something beautiful but now it's all ruined. We all want someone that will be in our corner through it all- the good, the bad and the ugly.
3. You can't be trusted
Since you've broken his trust, then it's most likely that he thinks you can not be trusted even in the future. Who knows what you were getting up to? Who knows what more you would have done? Who knows what you will do in the future?
His mind state right now
You also need to understand what's going through his mind at this point. I am not a mind reader but here are some common thoughts that are probably going through his mind.
1. Bitch!!
He might not have said it out loud, but I'm pretty sure he's called you the B word more than a few times. I'm guessing he's murmering it under his breath everytime he finds himself lost in thoughts of you. That's because he is angry and he flippin hates your cheating guts right now! You disgust him... but don't worry, its okay. He'll get over it.
2. Ouch
He is definitely hurting. Hurt because you betrayed him. Hurt because you've ruined something beautiful and also hurt because you have placed the burden of ending a perfect romance on him.
3. Exposed
Now that the truth is out, how does he walk around with his head held high? Since you cheated, then it somehow says he doesn't have it all. His companions are probably laughing behind his back and cracking jokes about his failure to properly lay the pipe. (You know men🙄) Your cheating says he is not "man enough" to satisfy you. More importantly it says that he is alone. You left him out in the open.
4. After everything I did?
He is also probably looking back at all the sacrifices and concessions he made just to make you happy. He is thinking of all the sex he turned down because it would have jeopardized your relationship. He's probably thinking he should have listened to his sister when she said you were no good.... he hoped you would vindicate him, but now look what you've done? 🤷♂️
5. You will remember me
He's definitely thinking of how to get back at you. Praying he's not a psycho though. If he's a regular guy, (and he's not plotting to kill you) then he's probably thinking, "I'll build myself up... make lots of money and get me a "super freakin hot chick". Then when your new guy breaks your heart(we know he will) and you come back to him, he'll give you the speech. I'm sure you've seen how it goes in the movies.
6. Not again
He is probably tired. Nothing sucks like having to go back to the drawing board, meet a new person and start learning everything about them from scratch. So it's normal for any normal guy to be thinking "I'm done with this love thing. I'mma be Charlie Sheen-ing it from here on".
There's hope though
It might not seem like it right now, but this presents an opportunity for both of you. Either as a couple or as individuals. I understand that at times the pain is just too intense and the only logical thing to do, is to let go and move on... but at times, the good outweighs the bad, and it's understandable if you also decide to make it work.
Another weird reaction that you might not expect from him is relief. That, especially if he thought you were too good to be true. With the level of cheating going on out there, he probably expected it. Not to say that he wanted it to happen and neither does he condone it, but catching you means he can either move on or you guys can work through it.
So here's what you should do
Before we get into this next section, I need to clarify one thing. Please read the disclaimer below.
Disclaimer: Being cheated on is a sensitive subject for most men. If he has anger issues or you think he will harm you then use your discretion. Telling him face to face might not be wise in that scenario.
• Tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
The first thing you need to do is come clean. Tell him the truth. Do not create more lies to save face. These lies will only work against you in the future. I normally advise that you tell him the truth before he hears it from that nosy woman from church or even worse, social media.
• Allow him to be angry
You clearly messed up, so allow him to vent. I'm assuming its verbal and not physical hey... If he attacks or abuses you then he just isn't worth it. Let him scream, cry and shout .... that will allow him to get some of it out of his system. Have you ever tried to call someone with the intent of giving them a piece of your mind then they hung up before you could get it all out? Sucks right? So don't hang up unless he starts being abusive.
• Cut off communication
If another guy could get to you, then this new guy probably knows enough to understand which buttons need to be pushed. We like being the only one with exclusive access. So its advisable to cut off any communication with your new guy. This will provide a sense of security and it will also give your main man the impression that "he won". Staying in touch with the guy you cheated with simply implies that there's a bond that you cherish... so why should someone stay with you yet it's clear your loyalty lies elsewhere? If an old flame hits you up... be pro active and tell your man before he finds out by other means
• Be remorseful
You've probably tried to apologize to him, but another thing to note is that he is probably questioning your sincerity. Are you sad because you got caught or you genuinely regret your actions? That is something you need to ask yourself as well. Are you sure you want to work things out with him, or it's a blessing that it happened. Personally, I would be happy to find out that you deeply regret your actions and being caught has lifted a huge weight from your shoulder.
• Accept the consequences
By breaking his trust, you will also have to live with the consequences. He is bound to be more paranoid. These consequences might involve calling more frequently irregularly to check on you- asking where you were, and at other times, probably wanting to be away from you.
• Reform
The best apology is to change behaviour. Reading this whole article is in vain if you aren't really planning to go the whole way. A change of behaviour will be self evident. It will be seen in your dress, social media posts and confidence to actually go to the bathroom without your phone. You will not need to explain. He will see it himself.
• Protect him and his ego
As explained earlier, your infidelity exposed him, not just to his enemies but to the public or everyone who is aware of it. It is therefore your duty to protect him from all the ego bruising scrutiny and comments that come with this. More importantly, make a deliberate effort to make him proud and regain your role as the queen in his life. Work on improving yourself and your public image. Avoid questionable behaviour that will make people dig up your past.
Another thing to avoid, is taking him to places or letting him meet people you cheated with. Before going into that shop where the guy you cheated with works, rather give your man a heads up before hand. That way he has a choice whether to walk in or go somewhere else.
• Never again
Make a personal commitment not to repeat that act. When you make this commitment it will keep you from entertaining any activity that could lead to infidelity.
• Give it time
It takes years to build trust. It also takes time to heal any wounds. You should therefore understand that it will take months, at times years to actually get past the trauma caused by the cheating. So you might go a month or two without any issues, but expect him to remember whenever the subject of cheating comes up. This might be as you watch a movie or you hear about a friend who got cheated on.... that's normal. Over time, he will get over it though.
Having the conversation
When he cools down, he will definitely want some answers. He has so many questions and you will need to give him the answers to those. Here are some questions to expect:
1. Who was it?
2. Why did you do it?
3. Was he bigger?
4. What did I do wrong?
5. Do I satisfy you?
6. How many times did you do it?
7. Where did you do it?
8. How did you keep it hidden from me?
9. Do you love him?
10. Who else knows?
11. How many guys have you been with?
12. Anything else that I need to know?
13. What if you can't change?
14. What if it happens again in the future?
15. What if the same guy returns?
16. What does he do for a living anyway?
17. Do you miss him?
18. Did you guys talk about me?
19. Are you sad that it ended?
20. How often were you guys in touch?
The trick is to however avoid keeping the conversation one sided. Use it as an opportunity to iron out any issues that you have.
I know it might feel unwise to tell him all your business right now. Trust me, you will regret it a lot too... but when you present yourself to him, emotionally naked and without filters, it also allows him to do the same to you. This allows him to know you more intimately and a lot of relationships lack that. Too often, we present a false image of perfection.
Should we take time apart?
That's probably the right thing to do, but I wouldn't recommend it. Remember what we talked about at the beginning... he's thinking of getting himself a very hot chick to help him get back at you and over you. My advice would be to work through it together. You broke his heart, so make it your responsibility to heal him. If you do agree to take some time apart, I would suggest that you keep him on a leash. Give him space but not too much... check in regularly. Something like "Hey, I just saw an ad for [insert whatever he is interested in e.g. free funding for small businesses] and I thought you might want to apply."
What to expect(If he forgives you)
• It won't be easy
• He's going to be more paranoid
• You will not be winning any arguments on moral grounds any time soon.
• It will come up again and again... especially if you keep behaving questionably.
Conclusion
Life comes with a lot of unexpected twists and turns. Relationships are no easier. Acts of infidelity break trust and they compromise relationships. Cheating should not necessarily mean the death of your relationship. It can also be used as an opportunity to strengthen and rebuild your relationship on a more solid foundation. If you've cheated, the most important thing to do however is to change your behaviour and be loyal to your partner. Love is beautiful but it also can not survive if not nurtured.
I hope you found my relationship advice for women very helpful. I'd love to hear your thoughts as well. My goal is to help people find and enjoy true, healthy and enjoyable relationships with their partners.
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