So you’ve seen the text messages or even walked in on him and his side-chick getting busy. You’re angry and that's understandable.
Maybe you want to pull her weave off, or to key his car.... I believe he deserves it but let's think about this for a minute. Remember, if you end up in jail then he wins.
It is now up to you to decide what to do next. Whether you choose to leave or stay, both options are perfectly fine and I will give you my thoughts on it. I have explained in detail why men cheat, but there are some things I also want you to understand. These will protect you and I hope they will also help you through the healing process.
I am not here to justify cheating, but I’ve been there before, as both the cheater and the victim. My intention is to keep it one hunid with you and help you through this.
Let’s start with a few things that you should try by all means to avoid.
What you shouldn't do
1. Don’t ask "why?"
Asking for a reason tells him you want a very good explanation and that is exactly what he will strive to give. I'm not sure if some women do this to feel better about the situation or it’s a way of fishing for a reason to stay on. What I do know however, is that it will result in 3 possible outcomes:
a.) Its your fault
In a bid to justify his behaviour, he might end up indirectly pinning the blame on you. He probably knows you well enough and he knows what will probably work. This is whereby you will end up getting statements like: “you are always tired or never there”, “you kept nagging and drove me away" or something else that makes it ultimately your fault. There might be some logic to it and thus, asking for explanations won't do you much good.
b.) Its not what it looks like
The second scenario, could simply result in you being told more lies. In the first chapter I told you that we care about you... watching you cry might make him embellish his story or leave out some key parts. See, we know cheating is bad and that's why we hide it in the first place. It is humiliating even to the cheater himself. Asking questions will definitely put him in an awkward position but if he still wants you to stay, then he might also want to save face. We know this isn’t the last we'll be hearing of it... so we'll try and minimize the damage done by our senseless act. In some cases, he might still want to carry on with the other relationship and the ‘real' truth might mess up those plans.
c.) Yes, I cheated, but...
Lastly, he could simply tell you the truth. It might sound like a good thing, on the surface but that will only hurt you even more. Regardless whether he slept with the maid or your Female role model... the damage will still be the same. Some truths are told in a manner that will destroy your self esteem and in essence, make you start feeling like ‘no one else will love me.’
Please note, that I am not saying you shouldn’t ask at all... but first regain your composure and then find your feet and let any questions you make him answer, be merely for closure and not the basis upon which your next decision will be made. If he wants you to stay then he will make a deliberate effort to make things right.
2. Don’t confront the other woman.
We've all seen the images of women pulling each other's hair out after being betrayed by their lover. I believe the assumption is that the evil ‘witch’ was trying to steal your husband or boyfriend. It is my belief that in most cases, that woman is also a victim of his lies as well. Yes, some women make advances, but that doesn’t make your man an innocent bystander. In most cases we encourage that behaviour by providing subtle hints that we are interested. In some cases we tell the other woman how stressful you’ve become and exaggerate the negative things that you do. You must also remember, that we have full control of what we allow, despite the weaknesses that you might think we have.
3. Don’t blame yourself
I know it might not make sense in the moment, but it's nothing personal. It isn’t your fault. Yes, you could have done some things differently, but that doesn’t absolve him of the guilt. More importantly, you must understand that we are all on different paths, with each trying to find their truth. Him being interested in someone else had nothing to do with you, but everything to do with him. The truth is that you could look like a supermodel, do everything right and still get cheated on. Not because you are at fault, but because the other person probably sought a truth to which you did not provide answers.
4. Don’t make comparisons with the other woman
Maybe out of curiosity, you might find yourself asking what the other woman has that you do not have. Is it the hips, bigger boobs, a fairer complexion, a prettier face or how she dresses? I’ve heard some women saying maybe he wanted someone with a tighter pussy. My question is, how would he have known it was tighter from just looking at her? The truth about that thing is that, its virtually all the same. The woman from the village, your favourite celebrity and yourself aren’t much different. At the end of the day, you’re all women. Yes, some might have more money, more curves and all... but just because you aren’t like them does not make you less of a woman.
Moving on
Depending on the nature of your relationship, I would support you whether you chose to stay or leave. Ultimately, what matters is your happiness. Having been found guilty in the past, I strongly believe that everyone (well, at least many of us) deserves a second chance. Do not forget the key however: he should be the one chasing you. It is now up to him to make amends and clean up his mess.
Give him enough rope
So he's been grovelling and begging you to take him back... and you just cant resist his puppy eyes. Nothing wrong with that.... Just let him initiate the process of cleaning up his own mess. You can make suggestions here and there but let him give his proposal for a way forward and if that meets your "take him back" criteria then fine. If it doesn't, then he probably isn't committed to making it work with you. Say for example he was in a relationship with his co-worker... I think, him suggesting to get transferred or being moved to another department seems reasonable. The key is that he has to follow through. That way, he won't get to see her everyday and who knows what could happen when they do? If by chance, he cheats again, then it's a violation of his own standard... so he has no choice but to eat his words.
Set boundaries
In addition to his promises and pledges, you need to set boundaries for yourself. Do not tolerate anything less than the best or questionable behaviour. Be clear about how you want to be treated. The great thing is that we have an inbuilt system to warn us when something is wrong. So you will know in your heart of hearts if he's doing it again. I believe it's his responsibility to clear up any questionable behaviour... that might mean allowing you access to his phone or explanations when his behaviour becomes questionable.
Regaining your trust
Trust is earned and once broken, I believe any paranoia on your part is justified. He has no right to claim unearned trust. It's now up to him to go the extra mile to make sure he reassures you that everything is fine. This might mean giving regular updates about his activities, putting things out in the open and being brutally honest with each other. That's just mandatory.
Accepting a 'sad' reality
As I have stated that cheating is more about him trying to find his truth rather than a deliberate attempt to hurt you. It is therefore up to you to use your own reasoning to ascertain the motive and then decide what to do next. Say he was bored... then maybe you could decide to make it work and try to spice things up. If, however, he seems to be going after seemingly "hot" women... then maybe he just feels he could have done better. What this means is that regardless what you do, you might never become the Benz that he always hoped to drive. Take it from me though.... You’re a Rolls Royce, regardless. If you find yourself having to follow up on his call log and delete sidechick numbers then you’re probably fighting a losing battle.
You will never find...
Maybe you now have 3 kids or you think you're past your "sell by" date... It will be tempting to stay in a toxic situation because you have grown used to it. You might start thinking maybe no one will love you and that's as good as it gets. Well, I'm rather a hopeless romantic and a perpetual optimist. I still believe you're an amazing human being and there's still a lot more to look forward to in life. You might not be a Christian but please read the following message from the Bible:
"Matthew 7:7 Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:
Matthew 7:8 For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.
Matthew 7:9 Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone?
Matthew 7:10 Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent?
Matthew 7:11 If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?"
Anything less than the best, isn't from God and you shouldn't accept it. Yes, no one is perfect, but I say that in reference to being taken for granted or staying with an abusive partner. So choose you and choose love.
I hope you found this very helpful and I wish you fulfilling love.
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