The following is a compilation of tips and advice that I made based primarily on my experience dating single moms. I also have an army of 'sisters' and friends who confide in me. It's funny how everything seems easier when you're looking from the outside. I hope these tips will give you some insights into the male perspective... and more importantly, it keeps you from pushing away a great decent guy like myself ;-)
So these recommendations are meant for any single mom who wants to move forward and is exploring the prospect of a long term relationship with someone new. I have written these with a friend or sister in mind... as the ultimate reader. So this is exactly the same advice I would give my own sister.
I hope you will find them as helpful as I intended them to be. I am however not an expert on love... no one is. So go through these with an open mind and enjoy love in its fullness.
Now let's get into it...
1. You're worthy
The majority of single moms I've met look at their predicament and eventually relegate themselves to the 'used goods' section. Many that I have met seem to struggle with their self esteem and therefore they believe they do not deserve the best. If this is you, then you need to change how you see yourself.
You are still as great a woman as the very best. Carry yourself with pride and do not settle for less under the impression that it's what you deserve. Do not make apologies for having your child or children. You might regret having them, but they are here and they are blessings. Celebrate them.
EVEN IF IT DOES NOT WORK OUT WITH THIS GUY YOU'VE BEEN SEEING, YOU'LL FIND A GREAT GUY.
2. Resolve any issues with your baby daddy
The next thing you need to do is clarify where you stand with the father of your children. If you guys are really done, then it's fine. If, however, you have this hope in the back of your mind that maybe things will work out with him, then rather go easy on the dating part.
Meeting a new guy might help you get over the baby daddy but it will also have its negative impact on your relationship with the new guy. You and your children's father have a bond that no new man can compete with and you risk discouraging the new guy.
See, we can tell when you're not fully committed so STOP LETTING HIM CONFUSE YOU. We might promise you that we'll wait while you try to figure things out and resolve your issues... but our life won't stop just for you to go back to your ex and eventually realize it's really over.
3. Set clear boundaries
Once you have resolved any issues, the next thing you need to do, if your children's father is still actively involved in your life is to set clear boundaries on your relationship with him. Avoid letting these compromise your new relationship.
Just to help you put things into perspective... I once had a situation where this guy would call the woman in the middle of the night and whenever I questioned her, she would say "he's my child's father". I didn't like it at all. See, when someone dates you, let them also enjoy the exclusivity of being in a relationship with you.
4. Remove any barriers to love
We know you aren't a single mother by choice... but do not punish the new guy for the sins of your ex. It might seem wise or natural to create barriers to prevent the same thing from happening again. That's perfectly fine.
You must however also be sure, that you are not pushing potential suitors away. It's understandable to try and keep your children away from any new guy.... but as the relationship develops, you need to accept and accommodate the role of your new 'friend' in your lives.
Do not trust blindly.... but at the same time, avoid being too paranoid, guarded or clingy.
5. We aren't competing with your child
You have a child and that is who you live for now. I believe any sane man understands that. You must therefore avoid making it feel like the new man and your child are in competition. You can love both and be loved just as much by both.
Any well meaning guy will probably take your children as his own, by virtue of your relationship. So avoid rubbing in the sentiment that this is "YOUR" child. Posting a picture of you and your child, after we've had an argument, with the caption "The only person that matters to me" might be true but it shuts us out. It shows us "our place" in your life... and at times that's not the place we want to occupy or who we want to be to you.
Remember, once we are together, you become "my queen", so why make me compete for the position of King?
6. Set and maintain standards
7. Manage and regulate the relationship between the child and your partner
As a new guy, it feels really awkward when, say, your child does or says something uncomfortable or disrespectful. There will be a lot of other very awkward and sensitive situations.
You should therefore play the delicate role of a peacemaker, disciplinarian and go-between. Also avoid inadvertently poisoning your child against your new partner. Statements like "he is not your real father" compromise the whole family dynamic.
Remember, I've taken the child and promised to love them as my own. What message are you sending when I overhear you reminding the child that I am not their 'real' father? Not to say every new man should be called "daddy", but that you should be careful of the little seeds you plant.
I hope you found these tips and dating advice for single moms very helpful. Here's to wishing you more love, companionship and friendship.
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